We are still waiting on Duke to call to schedule John’s evaluation for his heart transplant. It is two to three days of tests and meetings with everyone one from the surgeons who will do the transplant to psychologists to financial planners. It’s going to be long and tough on John. The positive part about it is that he began this process at Emory, so he knows a little of what to expect. We are going to stay at a hotel near the hospital for the few days of the evaluation. It is close enough to drive home each day, but the appointments will be emotionally draining, and the hotel will give us some good, isolated down-time without reminders of what needs to be done at home.
Each day has different challenges. Some are better than others. The doctor told John that he’s impressed that he’s doing as well as he is especially with working all day. I love this about my husband! This is one reason I married him! I never had to worry about whether John would work hard to take care of me. For so many ladies this is a struggle in their marriage, but I have been blessed with a husband with a strong work ethic.
John hasn’t liked me doing the things he typically does – mow the lawn, take out the trash, etc. I know it is hard for him to watch me do these things. There are a million thoughts that come into his mind when he’s reminded of his heart. For now, though, that precious heart of his has to sustain him until the transplant. It is working so hard, and he has to let it rest as much as possible.
It’s not easy for me either. My job is very demanding and requires me to bring work home; which, I don’t often even look at even when I do bring it home. Then there’s the added housekeeping responsibilities. And when John’s home all he really wants me to do is sit and hold him. That is my first choice, too! So I do get overwhelmed and tired and stressed. It’s very hard to watch the person I love more than anything on this earth struggling so much. There are times when I just don’t feel like I have anything left to give, and the scary part is that this is just the beginning. Things will get a lot harder until after he is healed from the transplant.
But in the midst of all of this I try to think of Jesus. He is God, and was a servant for many while here on earth (Matthew 20:28, John 13:1-17, Philippians 2:5-11). He never expected anything in return or demanded his rights or asked, “What about me?” He just gave, and gave, and gave, until He ultimately gave His life.
I want to give my life. I want to give my life to John during this season by being his servant. I want to give my life to John by being his servant without asking any questions, without doubting God’s perfect goodness, without demanding my own rights. Those are the natural responses, but through the Holy Spirit within me I do not have to act naturally.
My prayer is that I will glorify God through my service to Him – through this calling. Even though days in the coming months and even years will be harder than they are now, my prayer is that I rely on the Holy Spirit to give me all that I need to be like Christ – a humble servant -who gave the ultimate service by dying for me.