I walked into my biggest fear this morning.
John’s staph infection caused another Arrhythmia, but this time one that he could not come out of. His blood pressure was dropping and his temperature was rising. When I got to John’s room, the doctors were already convening to decide what to do. His weak heart could not fight this infection. We were losing John.
The doctors decided to put John on a form of life support called ECMO (Extracorporeal Membrane Oxygenation). This would allow his body to rest so that the antibiotics could fight his infection. However, being put on ECMO required a surgery, and one that was risky because John was so weak.
As soon as I got the the waiting room, I began to send texts, messages, and posts begging for prayer. I sat there numb as I cried out to God in my head and reading Psalms.
I said to God that I know His will is perfect. I know that He will sustain me no matter what happens. I know that John is His. But I also told God that I really want John here with me. I begged Him in that hour to save John’s life because I would miss him too much if I lost him. I told Him that I needed John in my life.
The hour was long and grueling.
Finally, John’s surgeon came into the waiting room and sat down beside me. It was like, in that moment, all life in the room was still. All breath was gone. The air was stagnant. I felt suspended with nothing below to catch me if I fell. God was holding me up.
The doctor proceeded to tell me that John was now on life support. The surgery to get him connected to it went o.k. However, he emphasized that John was very, very sick. ECMO was a very short term solution. John had to get a heart in 4-5 days. The fact that John survived this surgery is a miracle from God because he was not expected to survive it.
About an hour later, I went to see John. At the end of his bed was a huge machine. There was a perfusionist who’s job was to sit there and control the ECMO machine. It looked like a simple job, but from what I understand it is very complicated and highly skilled.
I rubbed John’s hair like I do at home. I told the nurse’s he knows when I’m here because he feels me rubbing his head. I talked to him and told him how much I love him. I asked him to keep fighting for me and for him. I prayed with him. I held back my tears, and if I had to cry I walked outside the room for a second. I don’t want John to be scared or worried.
So now I am praying for John to get a heart this weekend. He still has to clear his infection before he can be transplanted, so by this weekend he should be ready. I am still very sensitive to all that this entails and what I am really asking, but I know that God has an ultimate plan that has been in place for a long time. I just pray that one of the hearts that become available matches John. I never thought that John may not make it in time. I have heard countless stories of people who run out of time before they get a heart. But I never thought that would be John.
Through it all I know that God is in control. I did not know this road that we would take, but He always did.