The Love We Deserve :: A Story of Relationship Abuse

Today my friend, Alecia, is bravely sharing her story of relationship abuse when she was a young woman. We pray that it will encourage you or someone you know to seek help immediately if in a similar situation. Remember, there is no fear in love. And God is love. He is faithful to cast out all fear. “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” 1 John 4:18

As a young girl I didn’t date much. I liked boys and had crushes on several, and even went on a couple of dates, but not like most of the other girls I knew. I was an inexperienced dater with only a couple of real dates under my belt, so when the cute blonde haired blue-eyed boy on the football team, named Mack, noticed me I was all in.

 Things with Mack started out fast, too fast. We were a couple before I could say call me, maybe.

In the beginning things were pretty normal. But then he started to make comments about my boy-
friends and how he didn’t like them walking and talking with me in the halls.

Pretty soon he started to get clingy. He always wanted to go and do whatever my family was doing. And the phone calls, never-ending. He would insist we stay on the phone at night until we fell asleep.

At first I thought it was sweet that he wanted to spend so much time with me, he must really think I’m cool and like me a lot, I thought.

But then I realized I was dealing with someone who had a dark side to him.

His clinginess turned to full on jealousy that would throw him into fits of rage. He could be so sweet and charming and then BAM! – out of nowhere start yelling about something I said or did.

Things spiraled out of control fast, and I made excuses and dismissed the notion that things were really as bad as they were. He was always so sweet and apologetic after a blow up; he would actually have me feeling sorry for him.

The verbal abuse quickly became physical. I had never seen evil first hand before, and it was scary!

I look back now and I write this story and it feels surreal. I can’t believe this is part of my story.

If I could go back and tell my high school self-one thing, it would be that you were made for more. More than a boy that puts you down, shoves you, spits at you. You are more than living in fear of constant threats and fear for your own safety.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” I heard this quote recently and couldn’t help but think that it’s exactly right.

I accepted Mack’s love because it’s what I thought I deserved. I had a distorted truth about myself.

And when you don’t know who you are, you will become anyone so that you feel like someone.

I may not be able to go back, and undo that relationship but I can help others with my story. If you are in this kind of relationship, I want you to know you are not alone, you are worth something and don’t let anyone ever tell you differently.

It’s easier than you think to get pulled into this kind of relationship. You’re in over your head before you realize. And then when you do, it’s almost impossible to get out.  You’re in love and truly want to believe the person you’re with is sorry and it won’t happen again. Unfortunately it does and each time gets worse.

Abuse at 16 or 50 is never okay, and if you are with someone who is abusing you LEAVE! Don’t over think it, just get out now. People that abuse hate themselves. People who hate themselves will only ever hurt those around them. It’s not your responsibility to fix or save them.

Real love is kind. It’s not jealous or envious, and it doesn’t hurt you. My hope and prayer for you today is that you will accept the love you deserve and not settle for anything less.

“Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not conceited, does not act improperly, is not selfish, is not provoked, and does not keep a record of wrongs.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

If you are involved in relationship abuse of any kind, please seek help immediately from a friend, family member, ministry hotline, pastor, counselor, teacher, mentor, parent, or friend’s parent. 

IMG_3133-Alecia Headshot

She is a Southerner by birth (and grace) and gypsy by marriage (she’s moved 7 times in the last 13 years). She writes to encourage Christians to live differently because of the grace we’ve been shown through Jesus. She has a heart to encourage others to get off the rocky shore of self-doubt and sail into the life Christ has waiting for them. She is quiet by nature, introverted, quirky and fiercely loyal (she becomes Mama Bear when someone messes with her people). She will share her heart; story, struggles and her pain just don’t ask her to share her chocolate! You can connect with her at her blog There’s Something Different , Twitter, or Facebook.

Comments

  1. Beth says

    Thank you for so bravely sharing this story, Alecia. I too pray that those who really need to read your message find their way here. Beautiful encouragement. God bless you.

  2. Elise Daly Parker says

    Oh Alecia, I’m so sorry you had to suffer so. And so thankful that you are a iight in the darkness of this secret that is hidden behind a wall of shame, guilt, and self-doubt. May the Lord use your story to alleviate many others’ pain…and be a lifeline to those who are accepting abuse as love. Cheering you on brave sister!

  3. Lani Wiens says

    Well done Alecia! I have been in almost that place, I got out before there was any physical abuse but at that time I am not sure I was even aware that the controlling, possessive behaviour WAS abusive…I just thought he’d gone weird! So thankful the Lord led me out of that and that I was in an environment (Bible school) where the behaviour was noticed by people in authority who took action on my behalf. Way to be brave and tell your story so that others can learn!! Proud of you!

  4. Elaine says

    Thanks for the testimony. We are living in a world of great disfunction and deceit. Praise God for His gift of grace to get us through and move us on!

  5. Satin P says

    Absolutely beautiful! LOVE your story. LOVE how God is using you to encourage others. LOVE being your friend & LOVE you! Thank you oh so much for going to the depths of your heart, where it’s raw & might even hurt, to bring us this beautiful word of encouragement. Praying God will bless your obedience & continue the work He’s already doing in your life! You’re an amazing woman with a beautiful future in Him! ♥

  6. L. R. Jensen says

    Alecia- your story is profound. It echoes a dear friend of mine who escaped an abusive marriage. You give me hope for her. She’s out of the marriage, but still doesn’t know Jesus and without him she’ll never know how loved she is. Bless you for sharing.

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