** An update to this post. I miscarried my baby at the end of November. You can read the whole story in this post “The Miscarriage :: Another Chapter in My Story”. Thank you for all of you who prayed for us during this time. God is good all the time. To Him be the glory.
** This post might also be helpful – “How to Help Someone During a Miscarriage“.
I thought this time would be different. During my first pregnancy, I was fearful of announcing my pregnancy too early, and then losing the baby. As I grappled with this feeling I wrote a guest post entitled “The New Rules for Announcing a Pregnancy“. But I still played it safe. Last week I looked back at my Facebook timeline, and I believe it was around week 10 that we announced it to the world. That’s probably fairly standard, I’m guessing. The heartbeat’s confirmed by then.
Two weeks ago two lines on the little plastic stick showed up again. And right along with them so did the fear. This time maybe even more so. Now I know all that can go wrong. I have an insider’s view of how miraculous every little finger and every little toe truly is.
So I contemplated. Maybe I should protect myself, follow the advice of those who have walked the path of losing a baby, and just keep it to myself for a while?
But then there was another thought.
Eternity is now set in my womb. For now and for forevermore I will be a mom to two babies, whether I ever lay eyes on one of them or not. I am a co-nurturer with God to bring bodily life into a soul that is already alive. A soul that has been in the mind of God before He created the first ever molecule of His creation (Jeremiah 1:5).
I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it here, in this space, but those that know me really well know of my passion for the sanctity of life. I do not agree with abortion for any reason. I do not agree with artificial means for conception. I do not use the birth control pill. I do not agree with embryonic stem cell research. I do not agree with capital punishment.
I do agree with embryo adoption.
However, my fear did not support my conviction that life begins at the nanosecond of conception (Psalm 139:16).
Sometimes when I’m afraid of something I’ll take myself down the path of what I fearful of. In this case I took myself down the path of losing my baby. Just typing those words makes me cry. What I found as I went down that mental scenario was the feeling of shame. If that happened, I would feel shame, like something is wrong with me. I’m not sure where the feeling of shame is coming from, and I need to delve more into it to see, but at the root of shame is the idea that I’m in control in some way. That I am the one who makes life and sustains life. But nothing could be further from the truth. God is sovereign. He is the One who makes life. He sustains life. I am only the vessel He uses to bring it forth.
As I considered what might happen, I also thought about how painful it would be if I had to then tell people again and again, over and over, for weeks that I was no longer pregnant. Would I bust out in tears every time, in the same way I am right now with merely writing this post? How would I get through that pain? But there again, I remember, God is sovereign. God is sovereign in my joy and He is sovereign in my sorrow. He will equip me fully. I don’t have to give myself the words or hold myself up. He’s sufficient.
I won’t try to protect myself, but I will honor the sanctity of life God has bestowed upon me. It’s not about me and my fears or feelings. It’s all about Him. His plan. His will. His desires. His sovereignty.
And it’s about this baby.
God has a purpose for my baby even now as he or she grows. Part of that purpose has already been revealed. To bring us joy. Our baby has already brought us so much joy in only a few short weeks. Our baby has excited our toddler girl. Our baby has caused us to fall a little harder to our knees in prayer to our Heavenly Father.
So today I’m announcing to you that I am no longer a mom of one, but I am a mom of two. There is a new soul on this earth, and he or she is growing inside of me. We are filled with joy! The Lord has done great things for us!
Your prayers are beyond coveted and appreciated. Thank you!