spiritual disciplines

Are You a Spiritual Babysitter in Your Relationship?

July 9, 2012 By Brenda

When I was about twelve years old I took a course at the local YMCA on how to be a good babysitter. I believe it was a weekly class, if I remember correctly, maybe six weeks long or so, and at the end of it each participate received a certificate proving that he or she was now a safe, qualified babysitter.

Of course the course covered all the basics you would expect including safety and what to do in emergencies. I loved every minute of it and was so proud to tell the parents whom I babysat for that I was now “qualified”.

Being qualified as a babysitter of children is something to brag about, but being qualified as a babysitter of adults – in this case adult men – is not something to brag about.

Unfortunately during my years as a single woman I was qualified in both.

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Photo Credit: Creative Commons: Trev Grant

Last week one of the pastors at our church and his wife gave an excellent talk on marriage and relationships and the importance of living a “shared story”. My pastor’s wife made a comment, addressing single adults, that they do not want to be spiritual babysitters.

Why couldn’t I have heard it described that way ten years ago?

Basically a spiritual babysitter is someone who has to babysit someone else to make sure he or she is doing what needs to be done spiritually.

Did you go to church? Did you pray today? How often do you read your Bible? Do you tithe? Do you serve others? Are you involved in the church?

You get the idea.

For years in my dating relationships I was a spiritual babysitter. Why? I don’t know. Well, I kind of know – because I liked the person and cared about him on some level.

But now looking back I see how futile those attempts were.

First of all, never did it produce the results I desired. It just left me spending a lot of effort doing something that only God can do.

Secondly, in dating relationships it is wise to date men who are “equally yoked”. I used to think that being equally yoked was just a check box with “Are you a Christian?” out beside it. Later I learned that the closer you are in spiritual maturity the healthier and easier marriage will be later.

So what do you do if you are a spiritual babysitter and you’re married?

Many women and men find themselves in this situation. They tie the knot and then realize, “Hey, this person isn’t exactly who I thought he or she was!” Maybe this is because the person was putting the best foot forward during your dating relationship. Or maybe you just chose to look the other way until it mattered – and now it matters. Everything matters in marriage.

If you find yourself in this situation, lead by example.

“In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives.” 1 Peter 3:1-2

You know the Proverb, “Better to live alone in a tumbledown shack than share a mansion with a nagging spouse” (Proverb 25:24, MSG).

So instead of nagging, lead by example and of course, pray! A lot!

But what if you’re a spiritual babysitter in a dating relationship?

This, friends, is a red flag. I big red flag. As you know, men are called to be the leaders of their homes and their families. A man cannot lead if he is not already disciplined in with relationship with God.

When you’re dating, you turn your head, think it’s not a big deal, or that he will change. My friends, he’s not going to change. Well, not overnight. Every problem, issue, or concern that you have about yourself or your boyfriend before marriage will double, maybe many times over, after marriage. That is the nature of marriage. It is the mirror that shows us a truer reality of ourselves and our spouse.

So today, let’s lead by example and pray for our spouses. And single friends, pray that God gives you the courage to make the hard decisions and walk away if you’re not spiritually yoked.

What is your experience with being a spiritual babysitter in a relationship or observing spiritual babysitters in other relationships?

This week I’m linked up with:

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7 Comments Filed Under: marriage, singleness Tagged With: dating, prayer, spiritual disciplines

How Are You Like the Proverbs 31 Woman?

May 28, 2012 By Amy Bayliss

Today I welcome guest writer, Amy Bayliss, author of her new book Pursuit of Proverbs 31. Amy has much wisdom for pursuing the qualities of a true Proverbs 31 woman, and I am honored to have her here sharing some of her wisdom with us today!

As you read the passages of Proverbs 31, how are you like her? Not based on the specific tasks she does, but look deeper. What message does she convey?

All throughout the Bible there are many scriptures that reinforce some of the verses in Proverbs 31, but the similar scripture

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s are not just for women. They are intended for the entire Body of Christ, the Bride of Christ. On a practical side, these scriptures give us a look into the heart of women. I can’t help but notice a theme throughout; the craving of praise from the husband. The penalty of sin in Genesis 3 was that the woman’s desire would be for her husband and he would rule over her. This desire is evident in Proverbs 31. Something else that is obvious is this woman’s relationship with her God. Her desire is to please Him.

God will give you the desires in your heart because He wants you to pursue the things that you have a natural passion for so that it glorifies Him. In addition, when you are delighting yourself in God, those desires in your heart will be planted in your heart by God Himself, but you must actively seek Him and obey.

The Proverbs 31 was a woman to be praised. Not because of her specific “to do” list, but because of the heart of service portrayed in her throughout the verses.

If you’ve ever wanted to tear the 31st chapter of Proverbs out of your bible this book is for you. She is a wife, mom, business owner, seamstress, she serves the needy, speaks life and wisdom, and seems to be quite the major overachiever, perfectionist type. Except that…she’s not.

Come along and journey with Amy and take a look at the real woman of Proverbs 31. She isn’t as perfect as she seems. In fact, I think she is a lot like you and me. If you want the Kindle version, get it here: Pursuit of Proverbs 31 for Kindle. You can also download the free Kindle app on your PC, iPad, iPhone, or many other devices. For the downloadable, printable PDF version, get it here: Pursuit of Proverbs 31

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Amy Bayliss Amy is a small town Cajun girl living life in the big city. She and her husband Ryan have four children, all boys, ranging in age from toddler to teen! Amy is a full-time blogger and WP designer at My Southern Media. You can visit her at her personal blog, Cajun Joie de Vivre or you can follow her ramblings on Twitter and keep up with her mischief on Facebook.

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Leave a Comment Filed Under: guest post, Proverbs 31, surrender Tagged With: marriage, motherhood, Proverbs 31 woman, spiritual disciplines

The Story I Thought Was Mine

May 21, 2012 By Brenda

Stepping off that stage in May of 1998, diploma in hand proving that I was disciplined enough to earn a college degree, each year thereafter was already written on the pages on my mind. The diploma was only a pass through to get to what I really wanted – the typical girly fairy tale of weddings and babies and a home.

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Little did I know that ten years later I would start to realize only the beginning of that story.

The years in between were confusing as I didn’t know who I was or who I was supposed to be. I knew who my heart said that I was, but my circumstances didn’t create that picture. So for ten years I floundered trying to make my reality match my heart. I moved. I broke-up. I changed jobs. I fretted. And I cried. A lot.

Still the words I had written, the ones laying on the pages in my mind, were not what I saw each day. I could not believe this was my story. And looking around I could not believe all the people who had plagiarized it and made it theirs.

Determined to have my story published in the physical sense of flesh and blood I tried to make it come to life. But it never did. I began to wonder if it was even mine in the first place.

Skip ahead ten years and chapters of it started to unfold beginning with the new love and romance and wedding. Except there were parts inserted that still were not mine. Like the part that the man I walked down the aisle with had Cardiomyopathy and would one day have to have a heart transplant or die.

That part wasn’t mine. Nor was the part that children were not possible with such a weak heart. The story was being rewritten. It was nothing I could control. Slowly I began to give up the pen and watch instead of write. Watch as He read a story new to me, but one that was written in His mind long before mine was ever even formed.

Two years into marriage with this man who was dying the time came for life to take a turn. Either he would go and live in eternity or he would stay here with me. I had done my fair share of holding on and squeezing tight and pushing those words to the story I had written out into my life for years prior to this one. I was tired. So I let go.

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I stated very firmly to the one who wanted so desperately to take my love from me, “Do what you wish. But to God be all of the glory, forever, and ever.” And I closed the book and bowed down surrendering and just watched.

Then it was there. The story that was mine. Not the one I had written, but the one He had written for me long ago. A story of surrender. A story of redemption. A story of grace.

As they wheeled him off to life support with no donor heart still to be delivered, I did not know what the next day would bring. But I knew it was a part of a bigger story, and as I let go the peace came. A supernatural peace that you would pass off as denial if you hadn’t experienced it yourself. But it was there.

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To tell you the rest of the story, my love did receive a heart three short days later. He is alive and well today. And we will welcome our first child from those three hearts that made him or her in October.

It’s fascinating that living a good story is one that is not your own. But one from a will surrendered to Him – the One who has all of the stories already written and who is just waiting for us to quit writing and surrender.

Today I am answering the question, “What does it mean to live a good story?” along with other writers at Prodigal Magazine. I believe the answers are as broad as the stories that show us. Why don’t you share yours too?

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2 Comments Filed Under: surrender Tagged With: life story, spiritual disciplines, surrender

Perfectionism and the Burden of Prayer

May 21, 2012 By Brenda

I turn on the T.V., and there’s enough prayer requests to last me for years. I open up Facebook, and there’s another half dozen. I run to the grocery store, and I see a few there, a few on the way back, and even a few more in the store. I think about the slaves all over the world, and there’s a couple more – thousands. I remember my Compassion child, her family, the hundreds of other children I met in Burkina Faso, West Africa, and know they need prayer too. Along with the rest of that whole entire continent. By this time I haven’t even gotten to my family yet. My husband. Our marriage. This baby inside of me. Some estranged relationships. A few other people who don’t know Jesus.

For this soul with a melancholic temperment, my heart begins to ache, and the weight of burden bears down on me like one of those lead vests they drape on you while taking x-rays at the dentist.

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Photo Credit: Creative Commons: Ken Bosma

It seems almost blasphemy for me to admit that sometimes I just do not want to pray. Sometimes I dread prayer. Sometimes when I hear of someone or something else to pray for I feel burdened simply because I don’t have the time to remember one more pray request, and even if I did I don’t know if my heart could handle the possible combustion. It’s just too much.

It is extremely selfish for me to feel this way when there was a time in my life, not too long ago, when I was almost willing to set up a prayer booth outside of Duke University Hospital and pay people if they would pray for my dying husband. I knew their prayers mattered. I knew he and I needed prayer more than anything else. And now I know that the prayers of hundreds, some of which I don’t even know, saved his life.

What’s even more interesting is that most of my prayers are answered. My husband and I are constantly amazed at how we will pray for someone or something and then soon after there is such vivid evidence that God heard us. Typically the whole prayer is not answered immediately, but there are hints of movement. There is proof that God is there.

If I am honest with you, though, prayer doesn’t always come easy to me. I am embarrassed to say this, but it is my raw, truth self coming out. If I have a lot of time – like in the summer when I am home from work and have two hours to read and pray – I relish sitting at God’s feet and talking to Him. But these days are few and far between. More often it’s just five minutes here or three minutes there. Sometimes there’s no time to even sit.

Recently I have been thinking more and more about why prayer has become a burden for me. It leaves me feeling weighed down, guilty, and even hopeless. The list grows and grows as the world seems to keep falling. I know feeling burdened is not God’s intent for me. After all He said to “pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17), and I know He does not intend for me to be in a constant state of burden.

I have realized, though, that it is not the prayers, or the growing prayer list, that has made praying a burden. It is my response to them based on some temperament and personality qualities I carry around with me that have made them feel that way.

You see, like many women I, too, have that Martha gene of perfectionism where everything has to be done not only to God’s specifications, but mine too, which actually seem a lot more exhaustive than His. My prayer life is no different.

Instead of focusing on who God is calling me to pray for, I look at the long list as a whole and feel defeated before I utter the first “Dear Lord”. Then I begin to analyze. How many days should I pray for this situation? Should I pray every day? And for how long should each prayer be? What if one prayer isn’t enough? How am I going to remember all of this? What if I tell someone I’ll pray for them and I forget? How will I find the time?

Prayer becomes a chore on my list instead of a prompting from the Holy Spirit.

I am learning to rest by trusting Romans 8: 26, “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” God will lead me to who I need to pray for, when to pray for them, and when to stop. Praying is not something that He needs me to do. God is sovereign and in control. Prayer is just my recognition of that sovereignty.

What is your prayer life like? Do you ever feel burdened by prayer or do you try to make it into a checklist of have-tos? I would love to hear your experiences in the comments!

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10 Comments Filed Under: surrender Tagged With: perfectionism, prayer, spiritual disciplines

When It’s Time to Keep

May 7, 2012 By Brenda

“For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to keep and a time to throw away.” Ecclesiastes 3:1, 6 (NLT)

Sometimes when a baby is expected people buy different types of books to record every new moment of the child’s life: a photo album, a book with fill-in-the-blanks for all baby’s firsts, and one for each of the years she spends in school. The intentions are good. To have a beautiful story to share one day of life during a time when she wasn’t even aware that it was happening yet. But as days get busy these books fill up only one-third of the way full. The rest of the pages are left with gaps and places for the young girl to fill in for herself.

Not the baby books my mom bought.

My mom had a gift of capturing every moment of my childhood through pictures and stories and notes. Through keeping pictures that hung in my room. Clothes she made me. My favorite dolls. All of my Barbies. Every dance costume I ever wore. The afghans that she used to cover me. Every page is full with no room to spare.

Now they all sit in crates in my garage waiting to be opened and remembered, to be given life, again.

This past weekend I began preparing for this new bundle of baby that lives with us now in a condensed state, but is coming to live with us in all of his or her fullness in October. I opened those crates for the first time in ages to see what maybe I could now say good-bye to.

Looking down into each crate was like falling into the hole Alice fell into with dark, deep forests and a wonderland at the bottom.

My mind took me back to that living room I stood in with orangish shag carpet, barely two years old, holding that baby doll that was “my baby” since my brother had just come home to be my mom’s baby for a while. I lifted up that doll, now thirty-three years later, and as she looked into my eyes there was peace. I suspect the peace I felt then – my wonderland.

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As I put her back down into the crate I picked up a jersey from my sorority days in college. Peace quickly left as I remembered that insecure, fearful, lonely girl who wore it. It was as if the longer I held it the more I transformed back into her – my dark, deep forest.

I stood there opening each crate feeling the intense need to make room for a new life, the life that lives in me now and the life that I am now living, with an equally intense pull to not let go. To let go might mean to deny that any of it holds a part of me. Tells my story. Where would it go from here?

Nostalgia grabbed hold of me and even told me that maybe I should feel guilty for wanting to simplify.

What if I miss seeing those baby dolls faces one day? What if my child asks me about the days from my past, and I don’t have those sorority jerseys to share with him or her? What would my mom say as she looks down from above?

There is much to be said for simplifying life. For not buying a bigger house just to keep more stuff. For being free from all the clutter that already surrounds our physical and our mental every day.

But there’s a time to hold on, too. A time to keep, to remind your future where your past has been.

I made some room in those old crates for some new memories to make a home. I said good-bye to some pieces of me that I was ready to let go of, that no longer serve me well.

The others I held onto a little tighter. Maybe one day their time will come too. But it wasn’t this weekend. Maybe the weekend in ten more years.

When you clean out items from your past, how do you feel? Is it easy? Do you feel guilty?

Share with us in the comments! We’d love to hear your thoughts.

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